When Reality Is My Haven

Two days ago, I woke up abruptly in a pool of cold sweat at 10.30am.

A great feat considering that I sleep like a dragon in deep slumber, roaring occasionally. I can only be wakened by my Mum's relentless slapping or a phone's ringing, since my ears have been well trained to ignore alarm clocks and is able to hit the snooze button for unlimited number of times whilst unconscious.

I had barely slept 4.5 hours before I was jolted to reality by no apparent external force (I usually need to sleep more than 12 hours before I can manage to achieve consciousness by myself).

I woke up petrified, my heart mashed into a lump.

Completely arrested by fear, I lay frozen on my bed, trying to make sense of what just happened.

What I thought was reality moments ago came back to me, flashing in short, disconnected scenes.

"What?", I advanced towards my Mum.

"He bought this breakfast for you just before it happened..."

My father was dead, died of an heart attack.

I reached out and cradled the packet of fried noodles in my palms.

I shook.

It wasn't raining but the brown paper wrapped noodles was getting soaked...

Emotions paralyzed me. My knees buckled and I collapsed at my mum's feet.

"Why, why does it have to be now? When he's getting better? When he's becoming a better dad...why now? WHY?"

I still remember when I was primary 5 my dad had a serious heart attack. The coldblooded me looked at him in the hospital with unwavering, guiltless eyes while mum cried herself out beside me.

That was 8 years ago, when my dad was still a cruel, unreasonable monster. Someone to be afraid of, not someone to feel sad over.

8 years down the road, his change came so quickly but I can't pinpoint the cause of it. Suddenly, he stops smoking, he starts being nice, he starts bringing us out for occasional dinners and shopping trips, he starts asking concerned questions instead of interrogating me - the guilty-until-proven-innocent suspect.

The 11 year old me thought that we (my family) would be better off without him, without his tempers, without his furniture throwing, without his smoke polluting our lungs, without his prisoner treatment (to me).

Now 19 year old me suddenly realizes that I finally have a dad.

But he's dead.

"WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?" The loss seared me again and again.

A flash of light.

I was in another room. The phone's ringing was deafening in my ears. I picked it up...and dropped it again.

My boyfriend was dead, died of a chronic terminal illness that he never told me about.

It was just like him, I thought.

There was a terrible ache in my heart. My heart felt like it had been ripped out and squeezed until it splattered, mutilated pieces on the floor.

The void where my heart once was, was filled with pain. Not sharp, cutting pain but dull, trembling pain consuming my entire being.

I couldn't hold myself up...

Tears couldn't come out fast enough to express the despair I was feeling.

The shiny, bright image of my future suddenly went blank.

My world felt like it a piece of paper torn to little bits and scattered.

I was so consumed by despair that I couldn't envisage myself doing anything other than crying.

Then I woke up.

My heart thumped wildly with fear at the remembrance; despair isn't something that needs to be real to be feared.

Trembling slightly, I propped myself up on my elbows and gazed at my dad across the room, sleeping unusually quietly and serenely for a loud snorer he was.

It's a marvel how much he has changed in my eyes...

I stared at him for a while, concentrating on his steady breathing.

After that I called DC and recounted my nightmare. Verbalizing the despair I felt was even more overwhelming, I start crying hysterically...

I was really really really glad to be back in reality.

Though I know that death is constantly creeping up on us...

Though I know that my nightmare might someday become reality...

Though I know that I will have to face it eventually...

The 19 year old me wants to preserve this moment,

this moment when all my loved ones are with me,

this moment when all my loved ones are healthy,

this moment when I'm healthy,

this moment when I'm happy,

this moment when everything is going right,

this moment when my future is bright,

this moment when troubles seem far away,

this moment when I'm truly loved.

Even when someday everything has fallen apart, and I have to face the battering forces in life...

I want to keep holding on to this moment...clenched in my 19 year old fist, locked in time.