This Is Crap I Should Delete

Lalalalaa.......

Suddenly I am afraid to post the various drafts I've written cus a certain someone pressurized me to maintain the standard of my previous posts. Gah!!

So I figured less words, less mistakes right?

Anyway, I'm sure people are already tired of of my LONG and WORDY posts...

It's good to indulge in occasional shallowness and narcissism right?

...............

I've always thought that brown eyes looks the best for Asians, like this...



But yesterday, I tried out my green Maxi Eyes Colors from SpectroFlex (screw Geo lens, Dueba and other korean contacts which are banned from blogshops already -sniffs-) and...Voila!



Don't I suddenly look less boring and plain?

Whoever said Asians can't pull off eye colors other than black/brown?

Which do you think looks better? Brown or Green?

..................

GAHH!!!

What do you do when you FEEL LIKE EVERY SINGLE WORD YOU WRITE IS 100% SATURATED CRAP?

Resisting the temptation to delete this altogether...

WHY IN THE WORLD DO I FEEL SO SHITTY WHEN I DO VAIN POSTS...
(i'm a girl, shouldn't I be parading around with my camwhore pics like other girls do?)

I shall go shove my head down a toilet bowl.

p.s. you're welcome to ignore this post, let's pretend it didn't happen.

My Conclusion About Preaching

I wanted to take a break after the previous Christianity and Me post.

Maybe for a day or two, but never would I have imagined that once again I'm here the very next day, with my brain cells protesting "Sleep!!! you pig!" (they are getting softer now, cus they are dying off fast ^^) from the lack of sleep.

I think this is worth it though.

...................

Terri commented the following on my Christianity and Me post...

"I guess if we put ourselves in their shoes & if we believe in what they believe in, that our friends n loved ones will die if they don't believe, then I think it would be sensible to do whatever we can, hoping that our loved ones can be saved. Only good intentions. or not I think they wouldn't bother preaching as well with all the condemnations they have to endure.

It's like 'I know it's frustrating to be forced preached, but I don't want you to die either'.

Bcos if it's actually true, and if I realise one day that it is, then I would probably hope that they would not stop giving up hope on me.

Just my 2 cents. I respect your beliefs :) "

This is what I think...

@Terri, I loved your comment. Really.

I never looked at it that way. I always knew they (the preachers) had good intentions, but not to the extent like you described.

Thank you for opening my eyes and heart :)

It seems really tough to draw a line between what's is considered ok and what's not. Before you posted your comment, in 'Christianity and Me' I was was so sure that not preaching against other people's wishes was that line I was looking for...but now you got me thinking...

Now I'm in this dilemma. I truly do not like being preached to, yet I feel for what you said so much...

I do not want to give the green light and say "Ok, go ahead and force preach to whoever you want because you come from such good intentions" because being forced preached to still bothers me, yet now because of your comment, I don't want to say "You are in the WRONG because you forced preach to someone..."

Where is the line that separates what extent of preaching is acceptable and what's not now?

Is there no common ground for the two to be reconciled?

Is the best we can do is avoiding all situations that warrants the possibility of forced preaching taking place altogether?

..................

Anyway, I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has commented! :D

Thanks for sharing your experiences and ideas with me and other readers here. Most are really insightful!

Continue to comment because I will be reading them. Your comments be will heard and pondered upon :)

.................

In Christianity and Me, I thought I had an answer.

But it wasn't the case afterall...

*sigh*

I still have so many things to learn....but it's ok cus I'm still young, only 19 right? ^^

....................

By the way, I found Terri's comment to be similar to the tag I mentioned previously, "-.-: you might want to try to look things from a different angle. Do the preachers look like they want to do harm to you? seriously, be more openminded."

-.- could very well mean the same thing Terri did, except he said it in a different way.

Look how I responded to each one...

I learned something today.

If you want others to listen, BE NICE :)

A small change in attitude, a better phrasing of words makes all the difference.

.................

Lastly, I know many non-believers who have empathized with me on Christian Indoctrination because they experienced forced preaching like I did.

I think many of you are still bothered by your experiences, so I hope that reading Terri's comment will make you feel better about the whole thing like I did.

I know you will.

Christianity and Me

Note: This is the continuation to the post - Christian Indoctrination.

I'm totally inspired to do another LONG and WORDY post (you've been warned!) after rereading the record high number of comments the previous post got.

I will be addressing some misconceptions, clarifying my stand on all this, and injecting more of my own ideas into this post.

Firstly, before you judge, know where I'm coming from first...

A Little About Christianity and Me

When I was in Nursery and Kindergarten, I was in a childcare called Our Lady Star Of The Sea which was affiliated with the Our Lady Star Of The Sea Church (Catholic).

I still remember dressing up as one of the shepherds with a face full of painted beard, with a giant candy cane for a staff for the "Birth of Jesus" play at the church on Christmas.

I entered a non-religious/secular Primary school but every Sunday, this Nun/Sister would come to my door and read the Bible to me, through my house gates because my Mum wouldn't let me invite strangers home.

This little girl would wait at her gates weekly, for her Sunday friend to tell her stories from the Bible. This continued for almost a year until my Mum forbid me to open the door for her anymore.

A few years later, I got admitted into CHIJ St. Nicholas Girls' School - a Catholic school.

A small digression: Ahh! I just visited their website...so nostalgic!! I love St Nicks!! It was the most wonderful years of school. It's not just a school, it's a family there.

In addition, I entered the Youth Christian Society(YCS) co-curricular activity at Secondary 2 to learn more about Christianity. I was regular and active in their community work. At Secondary 4, I was elected President despite being a free thinker.

When I thought religion was out of my life, I got myself involved with my dear boyfriend, DC who is a Christian. Hence, the birth of my previous post - Christian Indoctrination.

...............

With this, I hope to tell everyone who reads this blog that this is not coming from someone who is closed minded or ignorant about Christianity.

I am not an atheist who thrashes Christianity or any other religion.

Yes, I challenge the basis for their beliefs when provoked but I have not and will not in any way disrespect their religion.

This is how it works between DC and me. I respect his religion together with his church friends, and in return he respects my personal space and will never preach when I don't ask for it.

A conversation between DC and me after I asked him to read my Christian Indoctrination post:

shu fen . I got into uni!! yay im not unwanted says (8:52 PM):
are u still reading?
Du says (8:52 PM):
haha just now finished reading
shu fen . I got into uni!! yay im not unwanted says (8:52 PM):
oh
how? :/
Du says (8:53 PM):
i think it is quite ok
i mean
shu fen . I got into uni!! yay im not unwanted says (8:53 PM):
really?
Du says (8:53 PM):
it is nothing wrong for you to express yourself
ya
shu fen . I got into uni!! yay im not unwanted says (8:53 PM):
u really not angry?
Du says (8:53 PM):
no la
shu fen . I got into uni!! yay im not unwanted says (8:53 PM):
not even a teeny weeny unhappy?
Du says (8:53 PM):
why would i be angry
shu fen . I got into uni!! yay im not unwanted says (8:53 PM):
duno cus they are ur friends mah
Du says (8:54 PM):
you are my lao po mah
shu fen . I got into uni!! yay im not unwanted says (8:54 PM):
i have nth against them ...i jus dun like it when they do that haha
ohh............
SO SWEET
Du says (8:54 PM):
haha

...and you don't have to know the rest :)

In the conversation, I was actually worried that I might hurt his feelings making quite a sarcastic post about his friends (actually, the sarcasm wasn't directed at his friends at all, it was towards the arguments put forth...I just have a tendency to get into this argumentative, sometimes sarcastic mode when I'm challenged.) because I respect his religion and church friends.

I am so blessed that he understands.

If anyone is interested, we did have a fight over his religion last time, and I blogged about it - Unequally Yoked. But when I look back now, I was just being paranoid.

............

On analysis of the comments from the Christian Indoctrination post, people fall into 3 large categories - non-Christians who agrees with me, Christians who agrees with me, and people (not sure of their religion, but mostly likely Christians) who disagrees with me.

To Non-Christians who agrees with me: Thanks for empathizing with me :)

To Christians who agrees with me: Thanks so much for understanding, even though I know you guys are fighting every urge to 'show us the way'... ^^

To People who disagrees with me:

Mainly, people from Nuffnang who 'danged' my post - I'm assuming here that they are Christians who disagreed with what I said.


I was quite sad that I got my first dangs for my Christian Indoctrination post...

IF such people exist, if there are Christians who danged my post without even bothering to read but simply because they can't accept anything even REMOTELY anti-Christ (because of the title), I would tell them "Please open your eyes and be more open-minded."

Or IF there are Christians who read my post but still danged it anyway because think that they have EVERY RIGHT to preach against the other party's wishes because they are "doing good, trying to help, or preach with good intentions", I would tell them,

"Can you actually say otherwise for people who try to convince you that God is not real?

Most likely they also try to convince you that out of good intentions (according to their beliefs anyway). But how would you feel if an atheist kept telling you God is not real against your wishes, albeit coming from good intentions?

Can you tell me that you won't feel irritated or frustrated like I did?

Can you tell me why is it that when atheists preach to Christians, they are generally labeled as "EVIL" trying to lead you astray, but when Christians do it, they are "Saints trying to save the world"?

Please treat us equally.

I don't preach against people's wishes, and I hope you don't too."

In reply to the tag "-.-: you might want to try to look things from a different angle. Do the preachers look like they want to do harm to you? seriously, be more openminded.": They are my friends and I know they originate from kind intentions. I just don't like being preached to against my will, that's all. I am open minded (I think so anyway). ^^

...................

(discussing my personality)

Anyway, some people might be wondering why am I making such a big effort to answer to my critcisms... ( I actually tagged everyone of my Dang-ers hoping that they are not offended by my post.)

Firstly, I have this obsessive need to get people to agree with me. (as stated in my Facebook profile)

Secondly...

Why is it that when people like Xiaxue goes "You've got a problem with me? Well.......I DON'T CARE!!!" people applaud them so?

Whilst I have resigned to the fact drilled into me by many people that "You can never get everyone to like you or agree with you", I can never do it like Xiaxue! (although I do envy her for that sometimes, because caring too much creates needless misery for myself sometimes) Because I DO CARE.

(I know Hejin is going to say I'm foolish to tell people my weaknesses again, like what I did before, but heck la! I'm improving at taking criticisms in stride anyway...^^ )

Why is it that people who hardly care who they offend gain popularity (partly) through controversy?

When will people like me, who adopts a "I seek to offend no one. (and also seeks for everyone's agreement with my ideas)" policy gain popularity through RESPECT?

(Ok, you there...you can stop smirking now :) I know you must be thinking...a 19 year old...looking for RESPECT? you must be like ROFLMAO now. if you think that, just ignore the the fantasy of this teenager ^^)

..............

Something important I would like to say is that...

I do not tolerate criticisms about my friends.

Criticisms about me, I can take...but sometimes when I post about my friends like in Christian Indoctrination (yes, they are my friends) and in Why Do I Blog? , I do not want my friends to be flamed, because I have nothing against them!

Some people have misinterpreted (or i misled them....if so, sorry!) that I hold a grudge against the couple from Christian Indoctrination, but it is not the case. Because I know they come from good intentions, I didn't hold a grudge...the post was purely to vent my frustrations ( i don't deny that I was frustrated being forced preached to).

I don't like to criticize people, and usually I'm criticizing an issue/argument/idea rather than the person. Not agreeing with someone doesn't mean that I hold a grudge against them or dislike them. People must be able to differentiate when is someone criticizing an issue, and when is someone criticizing a person.

So far, nothing extremely negative has been said so it's ok. Just a reminder =D

....................

Lastly, a short conclusion about Christianity and me.

I still stand by what I believe in, but be rest assured that I am not close minded.

I know for a fact that there are extreme Christians out there, but I don't condemn all Christians because of that because I see so many Christians out there doing wonderful things for this world.

And one Christian who is doing wonders in my life right now :)

Christian Indoctrination

On Good Friday some weeks ago, I went with DC to his Christian church's party.

It wasn't my first time hanging out with his church friends so I was doing well... until after the strangely sour selection of dishes for dinner.

DC and I were just sitting around digesting our food when they attacked.

This guy pulled up a chair to us and beckoned his wife and another audience to join our little discussion that I wanted nothing to do with.

It was too late to run away. Too late to make a lame excuse, "Whoops, look at the time! Gotta run, see ya!"

.......

I hated the feeling of being singled out to be roasted slowly on the fire.

Control yourself, I thought as they closed into a tight circle around me...
I shall be nice; let them say what they have to say and maybe they'll let me go unscathed.

..."Do you know the bible well?" the guy prompted.

Thinking that it refers to knowing every phrase in the Bible, I said no. How offensive is it if a non-christian like me claimed to know the bible well anyway?

From there, he launched into the story of how God created everything on Earth in 7 days...

Seeing where this conversation was going, I tried to cut him short by telling him that I already all of that - Genesis, Adam & Eve, Jesus Christ, his death, and his resurrection.

But he continued anyway...

Ending with a nice drawing that illustrated the fact that Christians go to Heaven and attain eternal life, and everyone else (ME especially) goes to Hell.

..."So do you believe in Jesus Christ?"

Getting quite irritated with the fact that he kept trying to shove the "You are going to Hell, neh nenny poo poo!" in my face...

"No", I said flatly.

My response was returned with a rather awkward/sheepish/shocked look all at once.

At a slight loss of what to do, he starting telling a story...

Basically, he wanted a friend to come to the Good Friday party but his friend's travel plans clashed with the party so he couldn't come. So he prayed that his friend's travel plans would change. And it did! Their friend got a severe asthma attack and had to terminate his vacation early, and hence was able to make it for the party.

I was honestly traumatized by this story. The fact that this twisted story was supposed to convince me to believe in their all-loving God was especially chilling.

But his wife explains "We're sad that he got sick, but to us it further reaffirms our beliefs that our God is real and is a God who answers our prayers."

I will never understand the sense in this, but never mind.

.......

"Ok, why do you not believe in God?" he asked.

..."Because I never felt a need to?" I replied.

"Would you like a need to?"

Oh my god, am I imagining things or was he hinting that he'll pray for a need for me to believe in God, i.e. pray that something terrible happens to me so that I'll have no choice but to rely on God. Evil!!

I basically snapped from there.

"I have a question. How is it fair that Christians get to go to Heaven whilst everyone else goes to Hell? What about those people who never got to know about God at all? Do they deserve to go to Hell for something they never had a choice in?", I challenged.

"If so, God will judge accordingly to what the person has done in their lifetime. So possibly people who have not known God but has done good in their lifetime will go to some place in between." the wife replied staunchly.

"But they will never get to go Heaven right? How is that fair since they never had a chance to?"

I believe they didn't really know how to answer that so she took a different approach, "Oh, Judgement Day will only come when the Bible has spread worldwide."

"Huh, what about babies, fetuses, the mentally unsound and all those who have lived and died without knowing God? They have no way of knowing God." I persisted.

"Oh...well I personally believe that all babies and fetuses would be saved." she said in a feeble attempt to salvage her argument.

I said feeble as in argumentatively feeble, but in reality she was really quite cocky even when saying that. Some call her a Christian stalwart, but to me she's just...cocky.

........

(pointless section, skip if not interested)

"My faith is based on God. What is your faith based on?" the wife started.

"Huh, there is no basis for faith."

"Yes, the basis for my faith is God." she repeated.

"You see, by saying that 'your faith is based on God' you are essentially saying that 'my faith is based on faith' which doesn't make sense."

She gave me a confused look.

I continued..."To say that God exists, you would have to believe in God first right? So your statement 'my faith is based on God' is basically 'my faith is based on God who exists because I believe in him (aka faith)'. So, you are really saying your faith is based on your faith."

...In the end I wasted my saliva.

"Huh, my faith is based on God. What is your faith based on?" she repeated once again.

To humor her, I told her "My faith is based on me." She seemed satisfied with my answer.

Why do people keep insisting on illogical arguments? Like the circular argument - "I know God exists because the Bible says so. And I know the Bible is true because God says so."

...........

Coming to the end of our discussion, and still failing to convince me even a little bit...

"Shu fen, is there anything you would like us to pray for you?" the guy asked.

Remembering the story he told earlier, I said no.

"Which University did you apply to? Do you want us to pray for you?" he persevered.

"I hope to get into NUS (National University of Singapore) but what is the point of praying for it really?"

He seemed slightly offended. "Well, it's for your own good not ours."

"No, that's not what I meant. Let's say that I pray that I get into NUS. If NUS was the 'right' choice, i.e. within what God has planned for me, I would get in even if I didn't pray for it right? On the flip side, if it was the 'wrong' choice i.e. God has something else planned for me (isn't that what believers always say to comfort themselves when their prayers are not answered?), God would still go ahead and send me another school because it's the 'right' choice, yes?

So what's the point of praying? Since either way, it makes no difference to the final result."

He was speechless for a while until he finally said, "No actually, God might answer your prayer even if it was the wrong one. You see, God gave us all a choice. (I could almost see a speech bubble above his head, Oh...God is so wonderful...)"

I was like, "Huh?! Then why would I want to pray for a 'wrong' choice?! Just don't pray and let God make the 'right' decisions for me la!" 0_0

They had nothing to say to that.

..........

As much as it sounds like I had the upper hand in this discussion, but it wasn't really the case because it was 3 Christians against 1 atheist, plus 1 neutral (DC!). It was 3 mouths against 1 and I was really getting frustrated by their unfailingly cocky (or stalwart) attitude. DC held my hand throughout the 1 hour long indoctrination and squeezed it from time to time to encourage me. I am so thankful that DC doesn't pressurize me on the religion issue! :)

Click here for a good read I found about Christian Indoctrination.

Small Things That Make Me Happy

Yesterday, I asked Jia Hong what kind of posts does he like and he said he liked my initial posts like Virginity For Sale, My Lucky Day! and Unequally Yoked more.

Basically, the more personal posts.

On reviewing my posts, it's true that recently I hardly write anything personal.

Not that Jia Hong represents all my readers, but recently I've been so caught up in posting stuff that are 'popular' and lost sight of what this blog is about - ME.

So here it is, me - not witty, not beautiful, not rich but sinfully boring and almost disgustingly average me. :)

I wonder when people will like what I write just because of the way I wrote it, not because it is some interesting gossip.

.............

Small things that make me happy.

After some haters episode yesterday which I was quite upset over, I'm glad to declare that this is officially a happy day.

DC was helping Celine to optimize her downloading speed today. (may I add that I find DC especially attractive when he does that? XD)

So when it was done, she was like "YAY 700kb/sec!!! DC is awesome, you should totally marry him."

Haha, getting approval of my boyfriend from friends makes me happy.

Today was my Dad's birthday. I gave him something. A polo shirt. Something which I have never done before. Celebrating birthdays is not a big thing with my family you see.

He either liked it very much or just very happy that I gave him something that he wore it out immediately.

That made me happy.

Later, my Dad came in and said gruffly "Give this to your friend..." (yes still refer to DC as my 'friend' is that sad or what?) and handed me a Heineken Clock Globe thingy.



(Omg, people are actually selling this for USD $24.99 on Ebay.)

Although it is not like my Dad specially went out to get it for DC (his friend gave it to him), it made me super happy.

So super duper happy.

It's an extraordinary feeling to see the people I love become closer everyday...

Suddenly I knew...

All these while I have been searching for the answer... "What my life is about?"

All these while I have been deluded by momentary pleasures that come from my small successes - from rises in blog traffic, from earning some extra cash.

Now I know...even if I become a successful businesswoman, or world activist for human rights, or a Nobel Prize winner, or even a 9 to 5 monotonous office worker...my world will not revolve around any of that.

My world had always revolved around people I love and it always will be, no matter who I become.

My life is about loving the people I love.

What is your life about?

..............

On a side note, have you ever written a mushy message to your lover...and sent it to someone else by mistake?

That's what I did today.

(I can still feel my cheeks burning right now.)

Sorry Celine for traumatizing you today...

Grandpa's Funeral

Ok, I promised to flood my blog but I haven't. YET.

I was too busy playing with my Ipod Touch!

As my readers would know, I was away for 5 days to attend my Grandpa's Funeral in Malaysia.

Did you see him in China Press (Johor, Malaysia newspaper) on 16th April 2009?


Grandpa had a whole page to himself in the Johor section of China Press on 16th April 2009.

Disclaimer: This post includes detailed recount and pictures of the funeral. I have been informed that some people think that it is inappropriate to take photos during a funeral but I assure you that the undertakers were snapping away even more than me and my Dad also asked me to take for sentimental value, so there's no issue with it here :) Anyone who might be uncomfortable with this please skip this post. Thanks.

On 13th April, my Dad received a call in the morning from which his face turned a nasty shade of purple and was shouting incessantly into the phone.

Soon, I was ordered to call my Mum back from her work and to fetch my Bro back from school.

A series of packing (for a 5 day trip) chaos ensued.

Before noon, we were off in my Aunt's car to Malaysia while I battled the Sleepy Demon (I'm nocturnal).

When we reached, Grandpa was lying on his bed with an oxygen mask on his face.

My aunts and uncles were all around him - fussing over his oxygen generator, wiping his face, comforting him and holding his hand.

He was awake but his tired, misshapen eyes barely seemed to notice any of us.

Completely still he was, except for his chest - rising and falling rapidly with every breath.

I didn't know what to think.

My eyes lingered on his chest, and my heart started pounding following the quick, forceful rhythm of his failing heart.

After staring at my Grandpa for almost an hour, I waved the white flag and surrendered to my heavy lids.

At 2+pm in the afternoon, I was awakened by my Bro exclaiming "Grandpa is dead!" repeatedly in my ear.

I practically tumbled down the stairs and burst into Grandpa's room.

Everyone was crowding around, and one of them was telling my Grandpa in mandarin "Your heart must have Poooot. Don't be afraid, go into the light...".

(later I was informed by my Mum that 'Pooot' is actually Hokkien for Buddha)

Grandpa's chest was unusually still this time.

I held my breath.

After what seemed like eternity, I saw Grandpa's chest rise once again.

I almost muttered a prayer of thanks to the divine being whom I do not think exists, just relieved that I did not miss Grandpa's last moments on Earth.

. . . . . .

And that was it.

I continued staring at his chest, waiting for it to rise again...

Eternity came and passed.

10 minutes later my Dad checked on him, but he was already gone.

. . . . . .

That was it !?

His last breath, and I don't even know exactly at which moment did he pass.

There was no mangled screams of "Dad, don't go !...." or ceaseless, hysterical sobbing.

It was nothing like the dramatic scene my little brain had played it out to be.

Only silence and the soft "Nam...Mo...Ah...Mi...Tuo...Fuo..." playing in the background.

And my aunt and uncle on each side of the bed, holding his hand in eternal sleep.

. . . . . .

Later the doctor arrived, the undertakers arrived, and before nightfall everything was set up.

(my family is Buddhist, so I will describing some Buddhist practices here.)




Behind Grandpa's picture in the previous photo was this. Grandpa's clothes on a chair - to represent Grandpa himself?

The wife of the eldest son, my Mum was to change the water in the wash basin and buy an assortment of food for Grandpa's breakfast every morning at 7am.


It basically says "Siah (my Grandpa's surname) Residence"


There were so many bouquets, this is only 1/4 of them.


The notice outside our house.


Grandpa's coffin.

My aunts and uncles dressed Grandpa in a suit.

My grandpa's eyes and mouth was open when he died, so my eldest cousin closed them for him but his mouth wouldn't close. A rolled up towel was placed under his chin to prop his chin up and close his mouth.

We were not allowed to look when the undertakers placed him in the coffin.

Later we were instructed to put what looked like mosquito coils (i suppose they were spiral joss sticks) into the coffin because quoting the undertakers, "It is the last thing you can do for him now".

A misshapen and slightly yellowed pearl was placed between his lips to "bring peace to his heart".

The olden days paper umbrella was supposed to be opened whenever it was raining to protect Grandpa.


The chopsticks were placed that way as if to invite Grandpa to eat the rice.

I remember my Mum slapping my hands so many times when I was young because I liked to poke my chopsticks into my food (instead of placing them horizontal) while eating halfway. She said I was inviting ghosts to eat my food. Now I know why...


All our fish tanks had to be covered up because "We don't want to seem so happy keeping pets." Don't ask me, I don't see the connection here.

Later, I ventured into my Grandpa's now empty room...


Grandpa's bed.


I found Grandma's laminated obituary on his desk.

Read about it here - In Memory Of My Grandmother.


The wheelchair both Grandma and Grandpa used.


Grandma and Grandpa's wedding painting (I don't know why it was painted) and the oxygen mask Grandpa used during the last hours of his life.


My cousin who refuses to smile properly for the camera.


More of his antics.

Until his older brother came...


And he just hugged him like that.

Overwhelming brotherly love. Ahem!


More cousins snagging sweets from my Mum.


Smiling happily due to a sugar high, except the girl on the right - cus had a mosquito bite on her eyelid?

Can you tell that the 2 on the left are siblings?


A page from a Buddhist scripture.

For the 5 days of the funeral, we were supposed to chant and pray for Grandpa to "go to a good place and be reincarnated".

I knelt for so long and chanted so many Buddhist books from 7 to 12pm for the 5 days that my knees were painfully red and my throat was sore.


How it looked like from where I sat, doing the usual chanting.


The monks who can chant really fast!

On the 5th day, it was time to "chu bing" and send Grandpa on his way...


Waiting for the final procession to start...


The band finally arrived. The noise they brought was almost unbearable.

Suddenly, my heart had a mind of it's own again. Thump, thump, thump. It followed the drum's deafening, rapid beats. I was scared to think that I'm really never going to see Grandpa's face again, not even through the coffin glass...

We chanted, did an extra load of kneeling and circled around the coffin to look at Grandpa for the last time before it was finally time to nail the coffin shut.

We were not allowed to see the undertakers nailing the coffin shut either.


The shut coffin. Behind are the altars which were covered up too cus we were not allowed to pray to any Gods during the funeral.

Later, we were also forbidden from seeing the coffin being moved into the van.

Chrysanthemums were distributed to be held during the journey to send Grandpa off...


My lone chrysanthemum.




Setting off. My Dad in the middle holding up the lantern thingy on a stick.


I like this picture. It has a motherly love theme feeling to it.










Walking barefooted except for a pair of socks on the scorching bitumen road.

My Dad, being the eldest son had to kow tow (omg what is this is english?) 3 times to us, the family in the middle of the searing road.


3 eldest sons "pushing" the van with Grandpa in it.




The lantern thingy.


After some distance, we all got on that green bus behind.


I swear this is the best picture I've ever taken. (impromptu, in a shaky bus too)

Kids are just so photogenic! You can never go wrong taking pictures of kids, whilst you can get plenty of unglamorous expressions with adults.

Some pictures taken from the bus...



Finally arrived at the place, some Nirvana place.


One of the cemeteries in there.

We alighted, did even more chanting and kneeling and finally we had to put my chrysanthemums on top of the coffin...

Presenting our chrysanthemums to Grandpa. (on the left of this picture is the furnace where Grandpa would be cremated)

Grandpa's coffin was moved into the furnace, which we were not allowed to watch...

and we all tried to squeeze into the small space in front of the furnace.

My Dad's face was plastered to the glass window, his hands balled into tight fists against the cold glass.

His eyes were red but focused - fixated at Grandpa's coffin behind the glass, like he was trying to take in everything left of his time with Grandpa into his senses, to etch the memory deep into his soul.

My 6th Aunt (ordered from oldest to youngest) started chanting "Ah Mi Tuo Fuo, Ah Mi Tuo Fuo, Ah Mi Tuo Fuo" urgently, as if every Ah Mi Tuo Fuo she could chant before they started burning Grandpa might help him go to a better place.

Tense faces and bloodshot eyes everywhere...

Then, the window was closed.

It barely lasted 30 seconds...


Wisdom written on the right of the crematorium.


On the left.

Then it was time to go...

We then washed our hands in flower water and boarded the bus once again.

In the bus, I managed to snap this picture of my Dad carrying out Grandpa's temporary 'altar'.



In the bus, on the way back.


When we got back, the house was already stripped from all of its funeral decorations and returned to its original form. (the undertakers are really efficient)


Grandpa's altar at home.

Finally...

When Mum and Dad came from collecting Grandpa's ashes the next day, they brought back money (RM), a portion each for every aunt and uncle.

Plus my Brother!

Cus he's the eldest son's eldest son, get it?

Hurr, he gets money whilst I, daughter of the eldest son gets nothing?

I don't really care for the money, just a little miffed by the favoritism here.

Sexism does still exist in this world, albeit in a milder form.

Lastly, they also brought back a photo...


My Grandma and Grandpa's wedding photo I presume.

(we realized our 3rd Uncle looked so much like Grandpa in this photo)

May they rest in peace together in a happy place.

(I am so sorry but I had to add that the above is wishful thinking that I don't really believe in. Sorry if I ruined your happy ending. Just an example of my idealistic and nihilistic views clashing together. I really SHOULD write a post about my beliefs.)